Rising Up in Grace

I recently heard a quote by Dr. Edith Eger “If you have something to prove you’re still a prisoner”. That quote made me stop in my tracks as I listened to her speak with Brene Brown and WOW! My previous post discussed words.

The words we hear, the words we speak and the words we believe.  As I reflect on that quote I can FINALLY picture the little girl standing in a living room holding a phone and hearing “ I no longer want you, I never wanted you in the first place, I do not love you, call your aunt and uncle.” I realize reading that may be difficult for many people, yet so many you may be able to pinpoint your own moment in time when the words seemed to immediately build a wall around you. A wall meant to protect you from what others may think or feel, yet a wall so strong it only allowed you to hold those words close to you allowing no escape.

Those words were not the most painful words I had ever heard, nor were they the worst I would hear over the last 35 years. Yet, they created a large part of that ice barrier allowing that young child to be frozen in the fire. So many words allowed that little blonde hair, blue eyed girl to become numb. Those same allowed her to believe she was unworthy of love or belonging. They made her believe that people would always leave. They made her know without a doubt that she would always be the issue. If she could have just been better, prettier, kinder, helped more, made the pain of others go away then she would have been needed. Those words created an adult who believed with all her might that the only way to heal the world was to be everything that was expected and more. To be the woman people needed and wanted, the only problem was its an impossible journey. When that woman realized the only person she needed to be loved by and wanted by was herself. She realized everything she searched for in others was what she had hidden deep down inside underneath all of the pain.

Words can absolutely penetrate your soul, they can “freeze” you in a moment, the same words can make you believe things about your worthiness that are not even yours to believe. Rising in grace is not only about forgiveness it is about allowance and authenticity.

When we begin to allow ourselves to feel, allow ourselves to acknowledge the pain and decide to follow a path of authenticity, we begin to rise. We can not surround ourselves in the words of others and expect to live a life we are grateful for and excited for. Until we let go of the opinions and expectations of others we are not truly living our own life, we are simply existing in their ideas.

The fire that is formed from the words and actions of others may seem to powerful to escape, it may seem as though your forever stuck in a moment until you realize the reason you are stuck is because you surrounded yourself in the protection of ice. The ice is cold, it is full of numbness, it is full of dissociation, it is full of regret and loss.

Throughout the years I have heard many people speak of “building walls” and how to tear them down. The problem is as we experience pain a wall would still allow us to become angry and yet remain the same. The ice however it is transformative, it stops you in that moment. It freezes the very being of your soul and your emotions. It keeps the flames from completely burning you, yet you are unable to fully live. You become a true prisoner.  

The only way to escape that moment is to feel what is happening around you and most of all what is happening inside you. There comes a time when you realize the only way to escape the ice is to let the fire burn. You have to allow the pain to happen, you have to acknowledge that those around you throwing sticks into your fire and causing you to surround yourself in protection are only throwing sticks at you because they have not learned how to escape their own fires. We stumble through life adding kindling to the fire of others as we try to escape our own flames. The problem is when your eyes are filled with tears from the smoke and you’re unable to fully breathe you realize the only way to escape this pain is through grace.

Grace is getting what you do not deserve because someone else did what you should have done for yourself.  Grace is the only way to survive the fire. Allowing the kind words of others to remind you that you are worthy of escaping. Grace will guide you on your journey as you realize those who have hurt you truly could not see past their own fire no matter how much they wanted to. Grace is how we erase shame. Brene Brown’s quote about how we erase shame rings in my ears often. Every single time I am told a kind word my immediate reaction is to return to the center of my fire and surround myself in ice. For so long I refused to believe I was worthy of love. I refused to believe that my existence was anything more than a place for others to throw their pain. Deep in my heart I know so many of you reading this feel the same. No matter what story has brought you to the center of the fire, no matter what words you heard that made you surround yourself in the ice and no matter how long you have been protecting yourself from the flames YOU have to allow the ice to melt and slowly realize there is a world of beauty beyond the flames. A world you are not alone in.

“Grace means all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame”

Brene brown

Although, I have no ability to provide you a checklist of actions I can tell you your life has a purpose and all of the wonderful things you are doing for others or saying to others is the grace you need to provide to yourself. Speak to yourself as you would the person you love the most for just one day, then one week and again one month until the moment you realize the love you begin to feel will not only transform you, but also the world around you! You do not have anything to prove, you are not a prisoner. The smoke from the fires of others may absolutely make you feel as though you are suffocating and will never escape, and world of toxic positivity would not build a big enough ladder to help you climb out.  

You have to let the ice fucking melt around you, you have to feel the pain of the fire and when it feels as though you can not go on you have to understand you have all the power you need deep inside. You have made it through every day thus far and your story will allow others to rise up! You my friend are a powerful, amazing and strong human. Let the fire inside you burn greater than the fires around you and never let the dark put out that beautiful flame! You have nothing to prove, you’re not a prisoner!

Published by Jessica Lynn

I am a 35 year old constantly learning and always growing daughter of a King.

20 thoughts on “Rising Up in Grace

  1. Reading this made me look back to my childhood. I felt unwanted, unloved, and inadequate while growing up. My mother nade me feel that way both in words and actions but as you have said, it is God’s grace that enable me to live in peace, be healed, and forgive.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so glad you having been able to heal in that way Deborah. It is a life long process for all of us. I truly believe so many times we revert back to those comfort zones of the ice and bury ourselves deeply in the warmth of the fire without even realizing what we are missing on the outside. The pain from others can pull us so far from truly understanding Grace before we even realize it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. True. It is a life-long process. Sometimes, it still brings the after effects like insecurities and low self-esteem. But I thank God, it is something that does not hold me anymore unlike before.

        ❤️😍

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This resonated with me on so MANY levels. Thanks. You were vulnerable and authentic. I love Brene (read all her books, watched her TedTalk and Netflix). Grace—unmerited favor. Loved this line “frozen in the fire”. Fire melts ice. Keep your fire Jessica. Cheers, Dee

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Reblogged this on Write and Create (from Creative Writing Course) and commented:
    Hi Jessica
    Thanks for the follow (+ like(s)
    Happy blogging/writing
    early bird (very) sleepy-head” craig

    http://www.craigsblogs.wordpress.com

    http://www.craigsbooks.wordpress.com

    https://docs.google.com/document/d/1P5rF1HEl4itzaep-MFEFbaekpGsDdWfMbYF4aQroh0k

    Best wishes  from the First City to see the light
    PPS

    Don’t worry about the world ending today

    it’s already tomorrow in scenic and tranquil ‘little’ New Zealand

    Like

  4. Today, one of our therapists said to us, “you don’t have to love all different parts of yourself to offer them care.” Hospitals and authors have been telling us we have to love ourselves. The freedom to not love ourself and still care for ourself sounds a more reasonable, immediate goal for us. It’s not realistic for us to talk to ourself as we talk to our loved ones. That wouldn’t be authentic. But we can try to offer self-care.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I absolutely appreciate your thoughts on this. I would have to say I felt the same way when I was asked “ would you speak to someone you love the way you speak to yourself.” The answer was absolutely not. At that time I honestly get that I could not ever speak to myself that way, but I would have to say practicing self care the act of truly caring for yourself as a human has allowed me to speak to myself in the way I would speak to others. Every time I start negative self talk I literally say to myself “how would I say this to my child if I felt it was true of them .” This allows me to be authentic to what I am feeling about myself while also expressing it to myself with care. 💙

      Liked by 1 person

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